Losing myself

  For years I identified myself as a mom and housewife. This was my whole identity. I had wrapped myself so completely in my relationship with them that there was no other 'self'. I had no identity of my own, no Vickie, I was just a conglomeration of everyone else's idea for me. As my children grew up and moved out, I have had real issues with that way of thinking. I have spent so long in that identity that now it's hard to find the real me. What do I like? What do I want to do? For many years, my answers were based on my family. Also, I had children young, so I didn't get a chance to find out who I was before I took on the role of mom. That makes it even harder to find out who I really am. I don't know if all mothers go through this, I just know that it has proven true in my case. I have to discover me after all these years. Yes, I still have the mom identity, and now grandmother as well, but it's just not the same because they don't depend on me like they once did. I find myself struggling with this. I am so used to being just that, that I no longer can find me. I need to try to find a way to refocus my energies on me. I want to find out just what my favorite everything is. I want to know that I can depend on myself for all my needs. I want to learn how to have fun, by myself. My kids tell me that I have 'empty nest syndrome' and I'm sure that's part of it, but the biggest part is that I no longer feel useful. All I can think of is 'What am I supposed to do now?' It's hard to lose the biggest part of yourself and have to start over from scratch. I spend a lot of time scratching my head and wondering just how I am supposed to do that. I guess I can just take it one day at a time and eventually I will find a brand new me. A me that doesn't depend on anyone but myself.